I’m not going to share my story. I don’t want to relive the horror and the trauma. Not yet at least.

In my darkest moments, I miss my husband, the good times we shared. Abusers aren’t all bad at all times, you see? In my darkest moments, I even wanted to go back to him. Sometimes, I still do. But everytime I do, I read the letter that made a difference in my life. A letter that I feel everyone should read, whether or not they have been abused, whether or not they are in my situation. Here goes:

–

Dear ….,

Very sorry to hear of your dilema, though it appears more of a crisis situation. No, the chances of him changing is so close to zero that it is scary. I do believe that a person can change, but only with the help and grace of God and alot of work. Has he entered a batterers program ON HIS OWN? Does he continue counseling weekly for his problem? Does he belong to a support group? Does he seak spiritual guidance from his church? Have you separated while he has been doing this for more than a year? What does his recovery program consist of?

Next, what has your recovery program consisted of? Do you have children? There are alot of factors to consider, but they won’t change the fact that he is an abuser and it is a cycle. Yes, there are good times in relationships. That would be “most likely”, your honeymoon stages. There is something about him you may have fallen in love with. You may be more in love with the dream and the happily ever after of marriage. Perhaps, you may feel that you can change him, or “if you only did or didn’t do this one thing? The truth is, it is power and control. Don’t assume you can handle the verbal abuse if he just doesn’t lay a finger on you. It starts slow and over time you begin to loose yourself and times will be even more despairing. Oh, and I’m sure you will be blamed for every aspect of his faults and being if you stay or return to him.

What advice would you give your daughter if she was walking in your shoes? Why would you be any less important a person than your baby girl would be? What if it were your sister? Do you want your children to grow up believing that this is how marriage and love should be? Have you asked yourself “why you” yet? One in three women experiences domestic violence in their lifetime. You weren’t singled out. There may be some unresolved issues in your life that make you feel attracted to this type of behavior, but don’t beat yourself up. We all have issues and problems and it is easy for you to heal yourself.

Abusers are masters at their trait. It is learned behavior and they are some of the best actors I’ve ever seen. There is no socio-economic barriers when it comes to victims and abusers. Doctors and lawyers are victims, teachers and counselors are victims.

I care about you, and hope that you ponder some of these questions and would seek out help in your area. Do you know of a domestic violence program in your area? Is there someone you can talk to? Your a unique individual, there is no other person in this world like you. You deserve so much better. You deserve a partner who will cherish you, hold you up, encourage you, take your hand and walk with you. Believe in yourself!!! You matter!

God’s Grace,
…..

–

I cried when I read this, not just for myself and my God forsaken love, but for all the women out there who are in my shoes.

(courtesy of Jennifer Parker)

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Jealousy
Wants to be with you constantly
Accuses you of cheating all the time
Follows you around or frequently calls during the day
Odd behaviors like checking your car mileage or asking friends to check in on you

Controlling Behavior
Pretends to be concerned for your safety or your productive use of time
Acts like you do not have the ability to make good decisions
Becomes extremely angry when late
Constantly questions who you spend your time with, what you did/wore/said & where you went
Makes you ask permission to do certain things

Quick Involvement
6 months or less before living together/engaged
Claims of love at first sight
Says you are the only one who can make her/him feel this way
Pressure for commitment

Unrealistic Expectations
Compliments you in a way that makes you seem superhuman
Very dependent for all needs
Expects you to be perfect
Says things like, I am all you need. You are all I need

Isolation
Tries to cut off all your resources
Puts down everyone you know
Friends are either stupid, slutty, or you are cheating with them
Family is too controlling, don’t really love you, or you are too dependent on them
Refuse to let you use car or talk on the phone
Makes it difficult for you to go to school or work

Blames Others for Problems
If there are problems at school or work, it is always someone else’s fault
You’re at fault for everything that goes wrong in the relationship

Blames Others for Feelings
Makes you responsible for how they feel:
You made me mad.
You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask.
I can’t help being angry.
You make me happy.
You control how I feel.

Hypersensitivity
Easily insulted
Sees everything as personal attacks
Has a tantrum about the injustice of things that happen to them
Totally goes off about small irritations
Looks for fights
Blows things out of proportion

Disrespectful or Cruel to Others
Punishes animals/children cruelly
Insensitive to pain and suffering
High expectations of children beyond their abilities
Tease children or younger sibling until they cry
Doesn’t treat other people with respect

Playful Use of Force During Sex
Little concern over whether you want sex or not, & uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance
Makes sexual or degrading jokes about you

Rigid Sex Roles
Believes women are inferior to men
Unable to be a whole person without a relationship

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
Sudden mood changes–like they have two different personalities
One minute nice/next minute exploding
One minute happy/next minute sad

Past Battering
You may hear the person was abusive to someone else they were in a relationship with, they may deny it saying it is a lie or their ex is crazy/it wasn’t that bad

Breaking or Striking Objects
Used as punishment
Breaks cherished possessions
May beat on tables with fist
Throws objects at/around/or near you

Any Force during an Argument
Physically restrains you from leaving the room
Pushes or shoves you

Questions to Ask
Are you in a relationship in which you have been physically hurt or threatened by your partner?
Are you in a relationship in which you felt you were treated badly? In what ways?
Has your partner ever destroyed things that you care about?
Has your partner ever threatened or abused your children?
Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn’t want to?
What happens when you and your partner disagree?
Do you ever feel afraid of your partner?
Has your partner ever prevented you from leaving the house, seeing friends, getting a job or continuing your education?
If your partner uses drugs/alcohol, how does he act? Is he ever verbally or physically abusive?
Do you have guns in your home? Has your partner ever threatened to use them when he was angry?

Valentines Day. Considered by some as the official day to celebrate their love for their significant other, and by others as a lame commercial holiday fabricated by the greeting card industry. Either way, when most girls think about Valentines Day, they think of roses, candy, sweet kisses, and being showered with attention.

But when I think of Valentines Day that’s usually not the first thing that comes to mind. Because Valentines Day marks the anniversary of when my ex boyfriend started abusing me, and the day that I became a victim to constant fear and terror.

Of course there was plenty of mental abuse that preceded that Valentines Day. Accompanied with the yelling, anger fits, degrading, and pinching and shoving.

Even now it’s hard for me to let myself remember that day. We had come back from a friend’s birthday dinner and he had been in an especially foul mood as he was stressed out with exams. It was the night before Valentines Day and it had started snowing right around midnight. And then I made the mistake of suggesting we go outside to watch the snow.

I don’t like to remember what happened next in full detail, even now, after so much time has passed. I do remember there was a lot of screaming, and then I was grabbed and shaken so hard, that I could feel my teeth rattle. As I began to cry in fear and bewilderment, the shaking became harder and harder, until he finally tired. He then turned to me and said if I didn’t stop crying right then I’d have to walk home in the snow because he needed to sleep and didn’t want to listen to that crap all night.

I know the first question that comes to mind is why didn’t I just walk home? Why didn’t I just leave? Well the simplest answer, and one hard to really comprehend, is because I was afraid. Afraid he’d come after me. Afraid of the repercussions that would come the next day. And I continued to live in that fear secretly for nearly a year.

I’m luckier than most though. I had amazing friends and was able to get out, albeit through a long and painful process. But even now there are times I remember that hell and wonder how I made it through.

My prayers are with all survivors, friends of survivors, family of survivors, and anyone who has ever been impacted by abuse. And I pray that there will come a day when no one will ever have to live through a Valentine’s Day like I did.

Dear Valentine’s Day,

I’m sorry for what you had to go through. This valentine’s day, I hope you can do something special for yourself and those who you love. Be thankful that you’re now safe, and make sure you keep yourself warm Sometimes, I know, this world seems like a depot of cruelty and harshness; yet we survive, life goes on. It’s up to us to make the world what we want it to be. This valentine’s day, love yourself.

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